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- Field
Manual
Headquarters Department of the Army
- 22-102
1 April 1989
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- WALL-TO-WALL COUNSELING
- FM 22-102
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- Wall-to-Wall counseling has been around longer than the
American military.
- Many famed units used it as their primary motivational tool, and some used
nothing else. It's still prevalent in many hardened military units.
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- The Spartans
- The citizens of the city-state of Sparta, Greece, didn't mess around.
Wall-to-wall counseling was the order of the day among the Spartan. The
Spartans believed in hard training and hard discipline, and wall-to-wall
counseling is about the hardest kind of discipline that there is. The Spartans
were feared both in war and at peace, and they worked hard to maintain their
image. Babies were quality controlled at the time of their birth, and any not
meeting the standards were put on the sides of mountains to die Needless to
say, until the day when wall-to-wall counseling completely erased the desire
of the citizens of Sparta to perpetuate the race, nobody screwed with these
people.
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- Patton
- General George S. Patton, the famed World War II tank corps commander was
a great fan of wall-to-wall counseling. It showed in the, way he led his
troops. He never used a kind word when a foul one would do just as well. One
of his most famous wall-to-wall counseling sessions occurred in a field
hospital Patton believed that combat fatigue was cowardice, and promised to
shoot anyone exhibiting it. On a trip through a field hospital, he ran across
a shell-shocked private. When the private claimed that he could hear the
shells flying overhead but not exploding, Patton became furious He slapped the
soldiers in the head, waved a loaded pistol in his face and called him a
pussy. Then he ordered him back to the front to fight "so the brave soldiers
in this hospital won't be contaminated by this coward." That Patton was not
punished as severely as he should have been for this deed shows that
wall-to-wall counseling has a place in the US Army.
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- The South Korean Army
- The Army of the Republic of Korea uses wall-to-wall counseling in its
daily operation. It is sanctioned and approved by the Ministry of Defense.
South Koreans feel that the harsher peacetime is, the less the soldier will
notice the hardships of combat with North Korea Wall-to-Wall counseling rises
to its zenith with the ROK discipline board This group wall-to-wall counseling
session is convened for offenses that would result in punishment by
court-martial in the US Army. The soldier walks into the discipline board. Is
wall-to-wall counseled, and is carried out of the board, either on a stretcher
or on ice. While US Army waIl-to-wall counseling is not likely to result in
serious death to the soldier, the Korean discipline board is a model to be
emulated by all US Army units.
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- When should you wall-to-wall counsel?
- You should wall-to-wall counsel a soldier when he needs
it And all soldiers occasionally need wall-to-wall counseling.
- Determining when this most severe of leadership techniques is warranted
requires the leader to intimately know his soldiers and be aware of when a
soldier is far enough gone that a swat in the head is the only thing that will
adjust his behavior.
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- Minor offenses
- Simple infractions can be dealt with quickly by a simple ass-beating.
Soldiers appreciate this, as it saves them the hassle of having to visit the
commander for UCMJ action.
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- Lateness
- Soldiers arriving late for military functions should be screened carefully
before being wall-to-wall counseled. A soldier who has never before been late
would not benefit from having the shit beat out of him; indeed, it will only
destroy his motivation. A soldier who has been late for the past four months,
on the other hand, is possibly incorrigible and a well-deserved ass-beating
would not only be profitable, but enjoyable. Especially if the soldier has
caused you to visit the company commander on less-than-friendly terms.
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- Incompetence
- Soldiers who have proven themselves incapable of performing the demands of
their chosen profession may indeed be candidates for wall-to-wall counseling.
The source of their incompetence must be determined before harsh measures are
implemented, though. If a soldier has just graduated from Initial Entry
Training and has never performed his job, corporal punishment would not be a
good idea. If, on the other hand, he has performed his MOS for the last two
years and still does not know shit from Shinola, the soldier deserves his ass
beat and it should be performed at the earliest possible opportunity.
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- Challenging or defying Authority
- Soldiers who harass their leaders are prime candidates for ass-beating. In
this case, the soldier should not be given an opportunity to try to pull
anything on you the second time. If the soldier harasses or ignores you, kick
the shit out of him. Enough said.
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- Farting
- Off Soldiers who fart off should be treated the same as those who fuck
with their leaders. Any soldier found sleeping in the back seat of their
vehicle in the motor pool instead of working on it should be immediately taken
in front of his whole platoon and have the shit kicked out of him. No slack
can be placed on soldiers of this nature. The rest of the platoon will
appreciate you.
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- Major offenses
- Soldiers found guilty of major transgressions will be
punished by the military authorities.
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- A soldier who kills another soldier will probably be shot. However, long
wall-to-wall counseling sessions prior to the arrival of the military police
are appropriate in cases where the transgression was against another soldier,
and are best conducted in the presence of the wronged soldier. If the wronged
soldier is still alive, he or she should be invited to join in to the session,
as he or she will feel that revenge is called for and participating in the
session will help to heal mental wounds caused by the perpetrator.
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- Rape
- No offense is as damaging to the victim as rape. Murder does not come
close, since the victim is dead and knows nothing. A raped soldier will have
psychological scars for the rest of his or her life. A male soldier who is the
victim of a homosexual rape is especially damaged, and many commit suicide
rather than live with this burden immediate wall-to-wall counseling is
required, and it must be so severe that bones are broken. Dimension lumber
must be used during this session, and the minimum length of the session is
three hours. If any part of the rapist's body has not been hit with the board,
the session is not complete. At least one arm and one leg will be broken
during the session and the testicles will be hit at least ten times.
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- Murder
- Coming close to rape in its severity is murder. The victim will not be
able to participate in the counseling, of course. A long counseling session
with a baseball bat and jackboots will be initiated and will continue only
until the perpetrator is unconscious. Then the murderer must be revived and
beat on some more.
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- Arson
- Arson, of course, affects us all. Besides the possibility of losing your
life, seeing all your shit go up in smoke and having to sleep in the street
for the next three years, arsonists steal unit morale, cohesion and esprit de
corps. After all, if you can't trust someone to not burn your place down, how
can you trust him in a combat situation? Arsonists are very simple to counsel.
They are to be placed in the burning building and the doors are to be locked.
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- Robbery, burglary and barracks thievery
- These crimes also affect unit morale. When a soldier rips off your stuff,
all you want to do is kill him. Well, if it's your shit, go ahead and do him
in. In fact, do more than that. If however, it wasn't your shit he took, you
should let the wronged do the little shit head. Popular punishments for
barracks thieves include the soldier falling down the stairs twenty or thirty
times. Soldiers have also been penned into their rooms and tear gas powder
blown under the door with a hair dryer. Anything cruel is good barracks
thieves. In fact, it is best if you hold a formation to make the entire
battalion observe the barracks thief being killed. People who do shit like
this do not deserve to live, as they are far below contempt. I would rather
have Russians distroing message traffic than a barracks thief in the company.
And I definitely do not want Russians pulling WSC.
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- Other serious offenses
- There are many serious offenses that require only
moderate amounts of wall-to-wall counseling.
- These are normally simple offenses, but are compounded by their
circumstances. WaIl-to-wall counseling is demanded before these things get out
of hand.
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- Failure to make coffee for the dayhos
- A coffeeless dayho is a grouchy dayho, and grouchy dayhos tend to think of
stupid shit for us to do. Any trick worker aware that the dayho coffeepot is
empty who does not take steps to remedy this condition will immediately be hit
in the head with dimension lumber. If they do it twice, they will be sent to
ORMA for the next six months to make coffee and type memorandums which forbid
trick workers to breathe.
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- Excessive errors on reports
- Reporters who make excessive errors on their reports cause extra work for
their QCs. All reporters who are found to have made more than three errors on
a report will be hit on the side of the head with a base ball bat.
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- Snobbishness
- Some soldiers believe that they are God's gift to the Army. They believe
that they do not need to do Army things, like going to formation and doing PT.
Some are so bad, they think they are better than their superiors. This is
especially bad when the soldier in question is a college graduate and the
super-visor is a high school graduate. These soldiers believe their leaders
are bone headed morons and will not listen to them. Others believe that the
only measure of a soldier is whether that soldier has been to the Defense
Language Institute in Monterey, California. The linguist-nonlinguist battle
occasionally gets so bad that there are verbal abuses thrown around in several
languages, none of them clean. What is the leader to do? The leader has no one
to blame but himself if he does not use wall-to-wall counseling to correct
this problem. A quick Jap slap will straighten out this bullshit before it
gets any worse.
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- Determining when wall-to-wall counseling is
inappropriate
- Although an effective technique when properly used, there
are some places where wall-to-wall counseling is the wrong thing to
do.
- Conducting a wall-to-wall counseling session in front of the 7th Army
commander, for instance, would probably not be the wisest decision, as it
would probably lead to the initiation of a relief for cause NCOER. However,
the presence of high level VIPs should not be the only determinant in the
decision to delay or withhold a wall-to-wall counseling session.
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- Soldier's physical size
- Always consider the size of the soldier before initiating a wall-to-wall
counseling session. If the soldier is twice your size and his forearms are
bigger than your thighs, and the soldier still requires wall-to-wall
counseling, a partner will be required. Details on selecting a partner will be
covered in the chapter titled "Preparing for a wall-to-wall counseling
session."
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- Soldier's hobbies and interests
- While leadership actions rarely require you to take into account the
soldier's hobbies, this is one place where knowledge of what the soldier does
for fun may prove immensely helpful. If the soldier is heavily involved in
kick boxing, martial arts or just happens to be the world heavyweight
wrestling champion, a simple wall-to-wall counseling session may turn into a
trip to the hospital for both the leader and his assistants. In such cases,
restraint and discipline will prove profitable for all concerned.
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- Wall-to-wall counseling after drinking binges
- Leadership actions should never be conducted while you are impaired by
alcohol. Ass-beatings given after a six-pack have three drawbacks:
- The soldier will not realize the purpose of the session. He will,
instead, believe that you got wasted and beat the shit out of him for no
reason whatsoever. You will lose respect m the soldier's eyes as well as in
the eyes of the rest of your unit. The soldier may decide to reciprocate and
wall-to-wall counsel you at a later time on your transgression. Since
wall-to-wall counseling is a tool only the wise leader who knows his troops
intimately can properly use, its use by subordinates who may decide to
rashly apply it is inadvisable.
- The soldier may decide he has been assaulted and call the military
police. Since the MPs take a dim view of leaders who get drunk off their
asses and beat up on subordinates, you may find yourself facing a
court-martial you never intended to face.
- Perhaps most importantly, the leader may have gotten so drunk that the
subordinate is able to turn the counseling session into a first-rate ass
beating directed against the leader.
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- Since the hospital will treat your injuries as an "alcohol related
incident," they will call your commander (who may have never read this field
manual) who will enroll you in the detox program. The detox program,
especially if they put you on Track III (residential treatment facility) rates
in the entertainment department right up there with getting checked for the
clap.
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- When counselee is counselor's sexual partner
- In the section about conducting wall-to-wall counseling while under the
influence of alcohol, we pointed out that the leader must know his troops
intimately in order to effectively counsel them. When the leader knows the
counselee too intimately, though, there are bound to be inherent problems with
the session. First, you can safely figure that you will never again get into
this lady's pants after the session is done. Second, she will probably tell
the commander what the two of you have been doing for the last six months, and
then you will have some very heavy explaining to do. Third, but not least, she
will tell every other female on post what you did, and then you will get no
more pussy for the rest of the time you are stationed at that post...even in
the red light district with a fifty dollar bill pinned to your jacket.
Therefore, the best advice at this stage of the game is: don't sleep with your
subordinates.
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- Preparing for a wall-to-wall counseling
session
- More counseling sessions have been ruined by poor
preparation than by anything else.
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- Wall-to-wall counseling is no different from any other counseling in this
respect. However, wall-to-wall counseling imposes its own special
considerations due to its violent nature.
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- Dress for success--mean and lean
- A leader must be properly dressed to gain the respect and confidence of
his subordinates. A wall-to-wall counselor's dress must also inspire
confidence. The soldier must be very confident not only that he is going to
get his ass beat, but that this man who is standing in front of him preparing
to beat his ass is in fact the one who will do it. A military uniform is very
much the wrong garment to wear to a waIl-to-wall counseling session, though.
More radical dress is called for. A stop by a clothing store catering to
members of the Hell's Angels Motorcycle Club is in order. Basically, you want
to look like Attila the Hun. Full leathers are good for extra protection
should the soldier attempt to fight back. Proper jewelry is important. Spiked
wristlets not only enhance the terror you want to instill in the soldier, but
if properly weighted can increase the pain and damage which a sidearm blow to
the solar plexus can cause. Wearing a large Eric the Red biker's ring will not
only make you look tough, but the half pound of metal it contains will
increase the effectiveness of punches. Wearing a Hell's Angels' deaths-head
earring, though, isn't such a good idea. Although it's an intimidating item,
the counselee may grab it and pull, and then you are in a world of hurt. If
you plan to conduct many wall-to-wall counseling sessions, interesting in some
large tattoos of Vikings beheading people with blood-covered swords would be a
good idea. Additionally, the pain endured while they are being done will
toughen you up and make you a more effective counselor. Watching films like
The Road Warrior; The Last Boys and Conan the Barbarian will give you more
apparel ideas.
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- Location
- The room in which waIl-to-waIl counseling sessions are conducted has a
great deal to do with the success of the session. Not only do you not want to
be interrupted during the session, but you do not any large objects behind
which the soldier can hide or which the soldier can push you into and hurt
you.
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- Modern construction standards, in which large amounts of sheet rock are
used, have changed the face of waIl-to-wall counseling. When was were built of
plaster and lath, you could bounce the soldier off the walls a few times, kick
him in the nuts once or twice, swat him in the head and that would be the end
of it There were no worries that the room would survive the counseling
session, because you knew that it would. However, you can easily throw a
soldier through a sheet rock wall. The Army will make you pay for any walls
you damage during counseling. Therefore, you want a large, strong room to
conduct your wall-to-wall counseling sessions in.
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- Before calling the soldier in for his wall-to-wall counseling session,
inspect the room thoroughly. Make sure the door is of good quality and is
equipped with a working door lock. The lock is important not only to keep the
session from being interrupted prior to its conclusion, but also to hinder the
soldier's leaving prior to having received the full impact of the lessons you
are teaching him. Try to find a room without any windows.
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- If this cannot be attained, windows placed high on the wail are
acceptable. Not only will the lack of windows prevent others from looking in
and observing the wall-to-wall counseling session, but if the session gets
really intense, the soldier could accidentally push you into the window,
breaking it and injuring you. The purpose of a wall-to-waIl counseling session
is to impart the maximum learning and pain upon the counselee with the least
amount of damage to the counselor's body, and a glass shard in your ass is a
poor reason to prematurely terminate a session.
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- However, in a windowless room lighting takes on prime importance. You need
to see the soldier so that you know where to hit him next, and the soldier
needs to see you hitting him. Make sure the lights work and that the light
switch is covered with a piece of green tape to prevent the soldier from
easily turning the lights off.
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- Inform the soldier
- After the area is selected and prepared, but before you dress for the
session, find the soldier inform him of the time and place of the session.
Also give a reason for the session. Don't approach the soldier and tell him
"You're a fuck up and I'm going to beat your ass at 1530 in the first
sergeant's office." This puts the soldier on the defensive. Instead, tell the
soldier "Meet me in the first sergeant's office at 1530. I want to talk to you
about your performance at NTC last month." (You can tell him that he's a fuck
up and is going to get his ass beat when he gets to the first sergeant's
office.)
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- Find counseling assistants
- You usually want to conduct wall-to-wall counseling sessions on a
one-to-one basis. This is fine you're counseling a 120 pound basic trainee who
doesn't know shit anyway. If, however, you're counseling the captain of the
Fort Hood Boxing Team and you are a 135-pound woman, you may want to get two
or three assistants.
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- It is simple to find them. Visit the gymnasium and go to the weight room.
If you see someone is there putting many fifty-pound plates on a bar and then
doing curls and 20 bench presses then you've found your man. It's even better
if he is in your unit and hasn't yet been instigated in an assault case.
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- If you can't find anyone like that, though, look for boxers, wrestler or
anyone else who fights for fun. The ideal waIl-to-waII counselor has a
six-foot reach, fists the size of volleyballs, can bench 35-pounds, runs ten
miles a day and has over 20 knockouts.
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- If you can't get Mike Tyson to assist you in your counseling session,
though, anyone who maxs his PT test would be good too.
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- The wall-to-wall counselor's toolkit
- Although many successful wall-to-wall counselors have
conducted sessions using nothing but their bare hands, a small toolkit will
ease your job, especially in those critical first few sessions.
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- A wall-to-wall counseling toolkit does not have to be elaborate or
expensive. In fact, you probably have all materials in your unit right now,
and all that it takes to use them is a little imagination.
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- Baseball bats
- No leader can consider himself a wall-to-wall counselor without possessing
a good baseball bat technique. A regulation baseball or softball bat is good.
Wood or aluminum, short or long, any bat will do as long as it is not
splintered. A splintered bat may break during those long swings. Viewing the
film The Untouchables will give you ideas on baseball bat technique. You can
invent new techniques as you go along.
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- Dimension lumber
- Although dimension lumber is usually used in the same manner as baseball
bats, other techniques for its use are easily devised. A two-by-four is a
handy thing to have. Cut two of them. One needs to be three feet long, while
the other should be four to five feet long. Drive six nails into the longer
one so that the sharp ends of them stick out of the board. This is nailed high
on the wall of the counseling morn and is primarily there for shock effect.
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- If a baseball bat is also available, have your assistant grab the
counselee's arms and pull them be-hind his back. Place the board even with the
elbows, pull the arms dawn to the body and secure with green tape. This
prevents the soldier from attempting to assault his leader.
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- If two-by-twelves can be obtained, get one about six feet long. While it
is not suitable for swinging, the counselee can be secured to it with green
tape, lifted high in the air with the aid of your assistant and dropped.
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- Pool cues
- Pool cues are quickly falling out of favor among the modern wall-to-waIl
counselor. It is still effective for barroom brawls when the proprietor will
not allow you to bring in your toolkit. It is also good for when immediate
wall-to-wall counseling is called for and you can't go out to your car to get
a tire iron or a jack handle.
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- The pool cue sits in a strange and unenviable position among weapons: If
held so that it can do some good, it is easily broken; if it is held so that
it will not break during blows, it is not long enough to do much good. It is
also more expensive than either a two-by-four or a baseball bat. In all, the
baseball bat is a much more satisfying tool than the pool cue.
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- Restraints
- Although wall-to-wall counseling is much more challenging
and rewarding when a soldier is free to move and fight back, many counselors
prefer the expediency of beating someone's ass while he is tied up.
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- By taping the arms to the sides as detailed in the Dimension Lumber
section, counseling may be accomplished quicker and with less hassle. Many
items may be used for restraints; here we list but a few.
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- Handcuffs
- Available at all police supply stores, handcuffs are an easy, effective
way to restrain the counselee. Two pairs should be used if no assistant is
available. One end of the cuffs is attached to the soldier, the other to a
pipe or other support. The soldier may also be hand cuffed to an object by
putting his hands behind the object and the cuffs snapped on from there. The
new "cable-tie" style handcuff is a cost-effective and useful restraint. It is
usually long enough to secure the feet and is available for mere pennies. Its
only drawback is that it is only usable once; it must be cut off cut off after
the session and thrown away.
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- Green tape
- The Army standby, green tape, better known as hundred-mile-an-hour tape,
is effective as a short-term restraint, providing the soldier is not strong
enough to break it. It is available in several widths; the standard 2" width
is sufficient for most soldiers. The almost-unobtainable 6" width is not good
for wall-to-wall counseling due to its extreme width and liability to twist at
the slightest provocation. It is also more expensive.
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- Ropes
- Ropes are only marginally acceptable as restraints, but are good for tying
the soldier to trees in the field and for dangling him from fire escapes by
the ankles or wrists. If the counselor intends to hang the soldier from a fire
escape, though, special care must be taken in the selection of the rope to
insure that the weight of the soldier will not break the rope and cause him to
land on his head and die. Army issue rappelling rope is the best obtainable
wall-to-wall counseling rope due to its high strength and easy availability.
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- Conducting the wall-to-wall counseling session
- Wall-to-wall counseling can be conducted in many
ways.
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- For on-the-spot counseling, a quick swat across the back of the head with
a closed fist or a slap in the face will probably be sufficient. For prolonged
periods of misconduct by the soldier, prolonged periods of wall-to-wall
counseling are in order. All wall-to-wall counseling sessions, though, are
notable for their intensity and aggressiveness. The counselor should have a
broad range of counseling methods available to him. He would be wise to study
boxing manuals for additional suggestions. Enrolling in a martial arts class
would also be a good idea, if he has the time to spare. In addition to
improving counseling skills, the martial arts teach patience, discipline and
self-control…all desirable traits for any leader.
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- Basic blows
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- The basic blows used in wall-to-wall counseling are the jab, hook,
uppercut and knee to the nuts. These are also basic street fighting techniques
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- Jab
- The jab is performed by pulling the closed fist back and striking the
counselee with a generally straight motion. It is a quick and handy technique.
Which will find much use in your daily counseling.
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- Hook
- A hook is a sideways-curving stroke. It may be performed with either hand.
It is best to know which hand the counselee prefers, so that you can use the
same band to hit him with. In this manner, the danger of the counselee
blocking your shot is greatly reduced. It is another blow which will prove
itself worthy of inclusion in your counseling repertoire.
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- Uppercut
- Similar to the book, the uppercut is an upward-curving stroke. It is best
used on the solar plexus and the jaw. If the counselee sticks his tongue out
at you, the best cure is a swift upper-cut. If you are sufficiently forceful,
you can succeed in clipping off the counselee's tongue, and therefore prevent
him from talking back, at least until they sew it back on. Although a good
blow, the jab and hook are generally more useful and therefore should receive
more of your training hours. However, the uppercut will find use in your
sessions, and so you must be prepared to use it.
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- Knee in the nuts
- Needless to say, this doesn't work very well with female soldiers!
However, most wall-to-wall counselees are male, and on them it is probably
your most effective blow. Just flex the knee upward until it hits the balls.
Alternately, if you can get your foot up that high, you can kick them in the
balls with it. If you have performed this hard enough, the counselee will
immediately drop to his knees. It will be the only blow you will need. If the
soldier does not drop to his knees, you are counseling either an extremely
flat and ugly woman or a eunuch. In neither case will this blow work, and in
both cases you have just entered a world of shit.
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- Advanced blows
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- Advanced blows include the Jap slap, boot to the head and tool techniques.
These are effective, but more-limited, counseling techniques.
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- Jap slap
- Everyone has seen karate movies, How can the jap slap, which is performed
by slapping the soldier on one side of the face and immediately following it
with a backhand to the other side of the face, be considered an advanced move?
Simple. Both blows must be of equal intensity to have the greatest effect. If
one blow knocks the head out of the socket, the other must put it back in. The
backhand is usually the most intense blow, and is performed last. It takes
much practice to make them equal.
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- The ideal object to practice with is the heavy punching bag found in all
Army gymnasiums. On any given day, you will find many wall-to-wall counselors
practicing their Jap slaps against this bag, so you may need to wait in line.
Rest assured that the wait is well worth it.
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- If your unit's leaders embrace wall-to-wall counseling as a common
leadership technique, you may be able to convince the Unit Fund Council to
install its own heavy bag. If you are in an in an infantry unit or are in
charge of many O5Ks, though, the sheer number of counselees will provide
sufficient opportunity to practice and hone your technique. Still, there is no
substitute for the heavy bag. Not even an 05K can rep lace it, though some of
the new ones come dose.
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- Boot to the head
- This is just what it sounds like…you kick the standing soldier in the side
of the head with your foot. Whether you have a boot on will depend on the
circumstances. If you are counseling a soldier during a field problem, you
most definitely will have on a boot, and the extra mud caked in the sole will
enhance the effectiveness of the blow. If, however, you find a soldier smoking
grass in the barracks, you may not have a boot on, though you might want to go
put one on. In fact, you might not have anything at all on. It's obvious why
this is an advanced blow: can you raise your foot six feet in the air without
falling on your ass? Martial arts training is a definite asset to counselors
employing this technique.
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- Tool techniques
- These include baseball bat blows, dimension lumber work, and chains. They
also include the use of restraints. They are easy to use but also require
great discipline to ensure that the soldier survives the counseling. No
directions will be given here. We leave that for the counselor to figure out
for himself. Creativity is one of the hallmarks of a good leader.
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- Using these techniques
- Wall-to-wall counseling is much like any other
counseling.
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- You choose the place, inform the counselee, meet him there, counsel him
until his problem is solved and conduct follow-up actions. In wall-to-wall
counseling, though, how you determine when his problem is solved is when he
screams for mercy. Then you hit him once or twice more to reinforce the
counseling session and make sure the problem stays solved, and only then end
the counseling session.
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- Determining how much wall-to-wall counseling is
enough
- The successful wall-to-wall counselor needs to be able to determine how
much wall-to-wall counseling to give. A soldier who misses one formation can
be sufficiently counseled by hitting them once in the back of the head. A
soldier who missed every formation since he arrived at the unit two years ago,
however, will require counseling with dimension lumber and a baseball bat. The
counselor will quickly learn the proper amount of counseling to give.
-
- Of course, if the soldier is a rapist, robber or murderer, just start your
wall-to-wall counseling session and continue until the military police arrive.
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- Follow-up actions
- No counseling is complete without follow-up actions. This is especially
true in wall-to-wall counseling. Following up a wall-to-wall counseling
session is covered in the chapters entitled "Triage" and "Legal problems."
-
- The counselor should be prepared to wash his hands of the whole matter,
especially if the session drew blood. The counselor should, therefore, place a
bar of Lava soap in the latrine prior to the session. Its gritty consistency
will remove all traces of blood from your fingers, and it will help to dean
off your baseball bat, too.
-
-
- Triage
- The soldier may need immediate medical attention
following a wall-to-wall counseling session, especially if you used a baseball
bat during it.
-
- If the soldier is a true fuck up, broken bones, internal injuries and
hemorrhaging may have occurred. Inspect the soldier to make sure he is still
conscious, still breathing and does not appear to have any external damage or
signs of internal damage (blood or cranial fluid leaking from the ears is
generally a sign that the counseling session was a little too thorough). One
of the three is generally sufficient. If the soldier can still move following
the session, immediately restrict him to his room. If he is not breathing and
will not obey a direct order to resume breathing, perform rescue breathing and
then beat his ass some more after you revive him. If his heart stops, apply
CPR and then recounsel him for inability to remain alive during a counseling
session. Not hitting the soldier right over the heart or the top of the head
may cut down on the frequency and severity of death among your counselees.
-
- If the soldier beats your ass during counseling, though, there is little
you can do. If you aren't fucked up too badly, you can just lick you wounds
and hope the bruises heal before your wife sees you. If you need to be
ambulanced off to the hospital, though, you can tell the judge that the
soldier hit you first. If the judge believes your integrity (and he
should...after all you outrank the soldier who kicked your ass. If you don't,
you may be in deep kimchi...) you should be all right, especially if the
soldier actually did hit you first If you hit the counselee first and he still
beat you up, then you need to spend more time in the gym.
-
-
- Legal problems
- Some unenlightened legal personnel, including the MPs and
JAG, may not have read this manual.
-
- Therefore, they might not recognize the corrective nature of your actions
and instead term them "brutal, heartless assault," which is also true. The
solution to this problem is preparedness: Requisition sufficient copies of
this manual so that everyone on post that can legally fuck you over can have
one. Once these people have read this manual, they will respect you for having
made the wise and just decision to wall-to-wall counsel.
-
- If, on the other hand, you are dumb or overanxious and hold a wall-to-wall
counseling session without having made the proper preparations, you need to be
prepared for the worst. Simply bring this manual to your court-martial. After
the judge reads it, you are certain to be acquitted.
-
- There is one very large proviso, though: if you have to bring the soldier
back from the dead as a result of your wall-to-wall counseling session,
however, you are up shit creek and have no paddle. If you succeed in killing
the soldier and he stay dead no matter how strict your order to resume living
is, then you way be certain that you are going to jail. In this case, you will
not get fucked with too badly. Just inform all the inmates that you are in
jail because you beat another man to death with your bare hands and no one
will even think about touching or going near you. No one likes the idea of
being the next in line.
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